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devilman2045
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 6:55 pm    Post subject: Story Reply with quote

Hey all. I had talked to you all a few months ago about how I wanted to start writing a story again. I had a few different ideas I wanted to go with, but this is one I had partially written over the last few months. I wanted to see what your first reactions are. I know the intro paragraph(s) are a little sketchy, and aren't likly to remain that way. But I wanted to test it out now.

For my original topic of discussion, look here http://earthsongsaga.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1628

Please read what I have of my story so far and let me know what you think. I'd appreciate it if you were fully honest with me on it, regardless of how bad/good it may be.


**********************************************


They call me the key master, not because I unlock doors, but because I can unlock minds. If you harbor a secret, if you hold anything privy, if you find yourself alone with your thoughts; I'm the one to show you just how alone your not. Everything you keep locked in your head; every thought you hold dear; will be made known to me, if you'd simply look into my eyes! But this isn't a telling of who I am just yet. No, of course! It's a telling of where I'm at presently. Of how I came to my present state.

And where exactly is that, you might ask? Well, I happen to be in a hallway. Everything is white, except for the doors; theyíre a blue. Everything seems to mesh together here in an endless hallway, with an endless string of doors. All I need to do is find my way out, but every door is locked. It's as if I'm trapped in my own world, and I'm not quiet sure how to escape it. It's a fearful reality, really it is. Every door is locked; and I've no key! But this is a simple dream. I wake up every night, sweating, panting, and gasping for breath! If only I could catch it. If only I'd wake up from it this time,.... the last thing I remember was a twinge in the back of my head. A sharp, and stabbing blow. Itís as if Iíve walked through a door to nothingness!

**************************************

You see that man walking down the street? The man in black. Thatís me. You wouldnít think that a man of my stature could slink through a crowd so eloquently. Normally I wouldnít. I just stroll along; keep my head down, my eyes to myself. But not today. I find myself holding my head up, and keeping a sharp look out. I have to try to avoid sticking out any more than I already do.

I say this as if I can just blend it with any crowd. But I find it surprisingly hard to do, especially on the bustling streets of New York City. There are lawyers, businessmen, teachers, and a whole array of other people moving about the busy sidewalks. But none of them are in a black trench coat. None of them are six-foot-one with a medium build. None of them seem to have shoulder length black hair. No, theyíre all to clean cut, and business oriented for this sort of look; not that Iím not business oriented. Itís just that Iíve got another kind of business to tend to.
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theBSDude



Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 1800
Location: The boring part of Washington

PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, a little short to say for sure. I liked the beginning, but the second half, not so much, for reasons I'm not sure of.

I disliked the forth, fifth, and sixth sentences of the last paragraph, the "none of them" sentences; again, no exact idea why; the flow just seems off, maybe.

But I did like the last two sentences, though.
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devilman2045
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

theBSDude wrote:
Pretty good, a little short to say for sure. I liked the beginning, but the second half, not so much, for reasons I'm not sure of.

I disliked the forth, fifth, and sixth sentences of the last paragraph, the "none of them" sentences; again, no exact idea why; the flow just seems off, maybe.

But I did like the last two sentences, though.


I've found myself with a bit of writer's block. The next section is going to reveal a quite a bit, but not a lot at the same time. It's going to involve a lot of dialogue, which I've never been real good with.
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1391
Location: Back in the Shire.

PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 1:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some niggly grammar/spelling faults (I'll point them out on request) but largely pretty good. I like the odd perspective you've used, like he's writing a journal as he lives.
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Magus Gar Kan



Joined: 13 Feb 2009
Posts: 151
Location: Somewhere between Nowhere and Everywhere.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it, disturbing part is I have a friend who fits the physical description almost to a fault.

Very good description, will we see more?
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devilman2045
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Magus Gar Kan wrote:
I like it, disturbing part is I have a friend who fits the physical description almost to a fault.

Very good description, will we see more?


You might see a little more. I haven't decided yet. The physical description is that of someone I modled it after.

I figured there were a few errors in spelling and what not too, allicat. If I write more, I'll ask you to point them out.
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