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WRITER'S GROUP 1: LOVE!
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Ravenna



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 637
Location: Toward The Terra

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know I'm not participating, and I've not read through the stories, so I'll just throw in my tuppence and post back later...

@Maen - I love it. The playfulness in the scene between the pair is great, and it has a very light and airy feel to it. There's details, but some of it is left to the reader's imagination.

@Tenshi - I actually feel I disagree with Asa on this point. There is amiguity concerning the details of the situation and obvious emotion between the two, but the reasons why are again left to the reader's imagination, which is good for a short vignette. Since there's not a set length for these, I think you're safe. If you wanted to, you could come back and expand it. But for a shorter piece, I think it stands well as it is.

Asa, I'm a little confused as to why you think the girl is dead. O_o Could you explain where you got that idea from please?
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 3538
Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, not dead, but deathly ill. "...barely stirred beneath her blankets." In my opinion, there are so many open ends, so much foreshadowing and hinting, that there has to be some answers, which this story lacks. Also, my comments carry no more weight than anyone else's; it's the same as I would say in any situation.

Ponce, feel free to submit as many as you like, just let everyone know which one they're supposed to vote on.

TWO WEEKS LEFT, EVERYONE!
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Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Tenshi



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
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Location: Star Stuff

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

@Asa/Ravenna: The story was, in fact, meant to be ambiguous. I prefer to write very open-ended microstroies (Er, vignettes was it?), as I enjoy listening to what readers take from it. As you said, it could be 1700 or it could be 2500. Which is it, to you, as a reader? Why is he leaving her? What emotions are there? Longing? Sorrow? Why was he there? Did she want him to be?

I don't know, I feel if I'm not going to create an entire world, then I should let the reader create their own. The few proper lessons I did have in writing, my instructor shared with me her experience in short stories. For her, letting the reader supply the reasoning and the background made writing not only easier, but much more powerful.

Erm, sorry, I'll stop hijacking your otherwise quite lovely thread. Everyone's work makes me feel so inadequate Confused

Edit, further @Asa: A bit of insight into the creation of the piece...

First I wrote the piece, keeping in mind that every paragraph was going to be broken by a vew lines of the song. I also had the song on repeat, to get the pacing and feel for the story from that. I used the song's lyrics as slight inspiration, and drew the rest from a brief scene that had popped into my head.

Next, I wrote out the entire piece. In fact when I had started, it began with the orange glow coming from a car and the blue glow coming from a television, but by the end of the story I felt it wasn't completely from a "modern" vibe, so I edited those two out.

Once the story itself was done, I began to look at the lyrics, read the story, and place them where they seemed to fit best. I tried to put entire verses in at first, but this didn't work with the pacing of either the song or the story, and so I opted to go line by line.

I think part of my problem, in writing, is that I'm an incredibly visual thinker. When it comes to describing something, I can see it so clearly and perfectly that I simply say what it is, and it brings all of those things to mind quickly for me. It's more difficult for me to try and explain something so that most people get the same mental image... I struggle with that, or at least I feel I do.

It takes me forever to write longer stories. I tend to spend, ironically, too much time explaining the storyline and the world, and not enough on progressing the story. Razz

Seriously, I'll stop hijacking your lovely thread now. ^_^;
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1389
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hijack away! It's interesting to see how other people write.
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Tinu.



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 3690
Location: The land of dreams

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's my entry. I decided to go over to the dark side on this one. . .>>;
I think I may have had "Bloody Valentine" stuck in my head when I thought of it.
________________________________

He stood on his toes, clutching the window sill, and found himself greeted by a foggy reflection in the moonlight. His breath clouded on the glass, and he wiped it away impatiently, eager to see inside. He was too short. With a grunt he levered himself off the ground and for one brief second, he saw her. His arms gave out and he fell back, heaven denied. It wasn't even late, and she was already asleep. He wished for a moment that she was awake and moving, so that he could see her clearly, but it was not to be.

Her parents were still up though, he'd skirted the patches of light their wakefulness stained on the yard - it wouldn't do for them to know their daughter had a night caller, they might get the wrong idea. So he stuck to the shadows, after all, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, quite the opposite - he wanted to protect her. No one could deny that she needed protecting. There were plenty in the world who crept in the dark who would hurt her; who would use her until there was nothing left of her golden personality. They masqueraded as friends, or wore other harmless skins, hiding their true intentions in jokes and smiles, disguising the teeth and hunger that lay beneath. Well, that would stop - he would protect her, He would be her knight in shining armor; and he would make it his duty to make sure that no one would ever lay a finger on her ever again. From now on she was safe

He lifted himself off the ground for one more brief instant, just to get another glimpse of the bundle of blankets that was his love. She didn't know he'd come here many times before, just to see her sleeping. But soon, maybe she would soon. After all, tonight he'd finally gotten the courage to leave her a note; the first of what he imagined would be a long stream of love letters. He lifted the window up carefully, It was hard to do it from the outside, he had to dig his fingernails under the wood and wiggle to get a purchase of the bottom before slowly and carefully levering the pane that separated them skywards. He knew he could leave the note here, instead of at school, because she never locked her window - he'd noticed that too.

He'd been watching at her window for a long time - watching her go through each separate night alone and precious. And she never knew. But she would tonight. He pictured her waking up in the morning and seeing the note, smiling and wondering who it was from. She'd show it to her friends and they'd giggle and try to find out who wrote it - maybe she'd even leave a note for him to find. And so it would go, until the moment he revealed himself to her. And then. . . and then they'd live happily ever after - the envy of everyone who saw them. He worked the window up higher, hoping the sudden invasion of night sounds wouldn't wake her soft sleep.

The moonlight turned the room silver and indigo, with patches of black left for only the deepest corners. There she was, bathed in blue and breathing quietly, he wondered what she was dreaming. He reached into his pocket and felt for the note, pulled it out, and lay it on the window sill where it sat gleaming white and etched with hope. Beautiful, aesthetic even. It was only fitting that something that represented such a beautiful emotion should be beautiful as well - one rubbed off on the other.

He thought about climbing through the window, of creeping quietly across to her bed, and watching her face as she slept. He thought of reaching out a hand to gently touch her face. . .

A phone rang distantly in the house, a jarring jangle that shattered the fantasy and rang discordant with the shrieking insects. The instigator stopped in mid-ring, its life cut short. He froze, made immobile by his desire to stay and watch her and his fear of being caught. A moment later there were creaking footsteps outside her door. He ducked down and scampered off into the dark, his mission accomplished, he would see her tomorrow night.

The door creaked open and the light switched on.
"Lauren, Lauren?" her mother went over to the sleeping girl and shook her shoulder roughly, urgently. "Lauren sweetie, wake up, it's for you." The girl opened her eyes slowly, squinting against the intruding light and sound. She murmured sleepily and slightly inquisitively, unable to gather enough energy to speak. "It's the police." Lauren shot into a sitting position, shock bringing her awake. She rubbed her eyes and snatched the phone from her mother.
"He-hello?" her voice croaked.
"Lauren Rivers?"
"Yes."
"This is Officer Driver, I'm calling to ask about your boyfriend, Danny Helms. Can I ask you a few questions?"
" Umm. . .yeah, sure." What had Danny done now? She pushed the blankets off and slid out the bed, waving a hand at her mother to shoo her out of the room.

She paced while the officer asked her questions and she answered them impatiently, mentally screaming to know what was going on. No, she didn't know where Danny was, she'd last seen him when he dropped her off at her house the night before. No, she didn't know if he was involved in drugs. Something by the window caught her eye, and she walked over to investigate, absentmindedly still answering questions. She picked it up, the paper crinkling in her hands, soft and brittle from the humidity of the spring night. It was a note, with the words "I love you" scrawled on it in large, block letters. Hidden under it was a single, bloody finger, grown cold from the absence of life.
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 3538
Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Usa (I shortened your dub, this being an example of a secondary Dub), I'm the same way. I get scenes in my head, which I proceed to write down. I get so bogged down in detail the plot gets lost. So I agree with you. However, your story is just incomplete. You can give partial explanation to satisfy the demands of a vignette, while still allowing the reader to make up the rest. Mane's is a good example of this. His is a vignette that's a real snapshot - there aren't sticky notes attached to each and every inch of the photo, it just is, no strings attached. Your story does have strings attached, but they're disconnected from anything, and it's just confusing. They get all jumbled together. You can work in why he seems to be on the run (is he a rebel or a terrorist or a rival gang member), you don't need to explain why they have cutlasses and what appears to be a modern street scene.

Again, my antipathy is partly because I don't like song-fics at all, even the one I wrote. I'm sure if I liked that style I'd have more nice things to say about it, but I don't, so I don't know. In any case, I'm a strong believer in explaining everything.



Nu - Whaaaaaaaaaat? Where'd that come from? Oh - was the finger one of Danny's, was this what the stalker was protecting her from? Now I get it. Beautiful story, sent shivers down my spine.
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Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Tinu.



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 3690
Location: The land of dreams

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Asa wrote:


Nu - Whaaaaaaaaaat? Where'd that come from? Oh - was the finger one of Danny's, was this what the stalker was protecting her from? Now I get it. Beautiful story, sent shivers down my spine.


I had so much trouble figuring out how to portray it! Yes, that's Danny's finger - sadly he is dead. It's basically a stalker who loves someone so much that they see everyone else as a threat - and threats have to be eliminated. Go listen to Bloody Valentine by Good Charlotte, they explain the emotion/drive better than I do. XD

Thanks ever so much Asa!

I'm not going to sleep well tonight because of it though >>;

And everyone else's stories are absolutely beautiful! I can't think of anything to say, I can only read them shiny-eyed with a warm fuzzy feeling growing inside me.
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1389
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nu, that was brilliant! Chilling, but a marvellous piece of writing. That will give me nightmares! That to me, is what makes a good piece of writing or art, if it makes you feel something. An emotion, whether joy or sadness is a tough thing to inspire in someone through the paltry use of words on a screen.

EDIT: Gorammit Nu! I had to walk home in the dark after reading that! Never been so jumpy in my life! Saw a guy at the opposite end of the street and practically ran the rest of the way home!
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horsin'around



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nu, I loved it! A teeny, itsy bit creepy, (i've got to agree with Alli 'bout the jumpy thing...) but it was fantastic creativity and writing.

Also: Good Charlotte = love

Sing I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love...

>>EDIT<< Okay, okay, I jotted this down randomly when I was just thinking like Alli told me to. (I always listen to Alli!) Anyways, the writing sucks cuz I was in a hurry (indignant whinnies when dinner is late heralds a break-out!) I thought I should put it out.

Note: vote for the other one if you're gonna vote. ; )



Calm down now, calm down…take deep breaths…

Jon took deep breaths through his nose and blew them out slowly through his mouth. It took a huge amount of will-power to keep his hands from tightening convulsively on the reins. The tall, rangy mare below him stomped impatiently.

“Rider number 37, Jonathan Rris, in the hole.”

Deep breaths, deep breaths…

Jon turned his mare’s muzzle towards the course, his heart thudding uncomfortably against his ribs. He still had a full ride ahead of him.

He had done well in the stadium jumping and the dressage—especially the dressage—and all he could do now was wait and pray. This one little course, a famously difficult cross country run, would decided whether he qualified for the most prestigious eventing competition in the world; the Rolex.

He heard a gasp from the crowd and although his mind screamed at him not to, he turned. His eyes were inexorably drawn to the huge brush fence, and the scene that confronted him made his heart turn cold. The horse before him had caught a hind foot in the brush and tripped. The rider had been crushed by the panicked equine when he fell.

Deep breath, deep breaths…

His horse, In the Chase, turned curious chocolate eyes back to look at him. Poor Chase was wondering what was scaring him so much. Jon tried to relax and stroked her elegant neck comfortingly.

When he spoke, his voice was raspy from hours of silence;

“Whatever happens, Chasey, I love you.”

He saw the heavy wheelers with the dark curtains roll to a shuddering halt before the fallen horse and rider, effectively blocking the gruesome scene from the public. He'd seen them enough. He knew what those curtains meant.

There was an agonised human scream—undoubtedly the rider protesting his steed’s euthanisation—and then silence. Heavy, despairing silence.

“Rider number 37, Jonathan Rris, on course please.”

Deep breaths, deep breaths…


((Ugh, another real-life inspired short story. Eventing is positively brutal, but so addictive.))
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Ponce
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
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Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a good snapshot, I feel like I'm right there standing next to Jonathan as this is happening.
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Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Think but this and all is mended...
Give me your hands if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
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Tinu.



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 3690
Location: The land of dreams

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Allicat wrote:



EDIT: Gorammit Nu! I had to walk home in the dark after reading that! Never been so jumpy in my life! Saw a guy at the opposite end of the street and practically ran the rest of the way home!


XD I'm sorry Alli! *hug*

And I must agree with Asa, excellent little piece. Nicely detailed and everything. =D
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
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Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, I survived the trek through deepest darkest main street!

I do like your piece Ponce, it's very intense!
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JackAce



Joined: 01 Jun 2008
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tinu. That's so sick, and yet so well made!

*shudder*
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Tinu.



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
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Location: The land of dreams

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The hilarious thing about this is that I absolutely loathe horror. Thrillers count as horror for me. I will never. Ever. Go see a horror movie. That lovely little Halloween song from The Nightmare Before Christmas? Cost me two weeks of sleep. And my worst paranoia? People staring in through my window.

>>;
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spawnofjaws



Joined: 20 May 2008
Posts: 559
Location: North Carolina! And proud of it...!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Weird and creepy, twin!
I liked it!
And Nightmare before Christmas scared me for the longest time....the first time I watched it, I was 13.....
I'm still creeped out by that level in KH2....
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