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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 3538
Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'Kay, so I wrote mine.

I wrote:
The last note rings through the air on the wings of my breath, leaving me none to spare. A person sings with her whole body, not just her diaphragm, and my arms are stretched out in front of me to give the note lift. My head is raised toward the house lights, my throat fully opened, my eyes open but unseeing - I'm still locked in the song, giving it life till the very last moment. I can feel the sweat prickling against the powder I use for appearances, and my legs are numb. My dress, no longer buoyed by the elation of singing, is starting to feel heavy. My lungs are burning from exertion, and I'm fighting the urge to gasp and heave. Not until I'm backstage. last set of the evening, last song of the set - this moment always seems to last a lifetime; the moment when the music ends and the audience hasn't yet begun to applaud - if they applaud - if I did well - I can't stop smiling, and I know that this evening was a success.



There, that's mine. Short, and hopefully sweet. Critique?
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Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Last edited by Asa on Thu Mar 12, 2009 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1390
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quick spelling niggle: first line it should be breath, not breathe.

Oh I like! As a singer myself I feel that pain of the eternal moment before the applause starts and you've caught it well. Not so fond of the ending. Personally I'd leave the uncertainty there as to whether the audience liked it or not, but on the whole a marvellous capture of the moment.
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 3538
Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, but remember that this is still the same moment. The audience hasn't started applauding yet, but the singer herself knows that she was a success, no matter what the reaction. I can try and reword it, though.

Thanks for the first bit.
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Self-styled Forum Grandmother, because I hand out nicknames and hugs whether you want them or not. ^_^

Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
__________________
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended...
Give me your hands if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
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Magus Gar Kan



Joined: 13 Feb 2009
Posts: 151
Location: Somewhere between Nowhere and Everywhere.

PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All I can really say is very nice. I like how it is a moment in time, but also an internal monologue.

As a matter of personal taste there are some phrases that I think could have been shortened. However, that would have defeat the purpose of writing prose.
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Tenshi



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 2594
Location: Star Stuff

PostPosted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cripes, I had this all written up when Firefox crashed. I'll try and re-write it at work tonight. -sigh-
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"If by chance some day you're not feeling well, and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done, and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled."
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Tenshi



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 2594
Location: Star Stuff

PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

((I'm not used to writing in (mostly) the first person. Let me know if you catch errors, as isn't' that the point of WG's? Wink I should mention this isn't a single moment in time, but all of this occurred (given the speed of the rapids) within two or three seconds.))

Torrents of water smashed against a dozen jagged rocks, sending a plume of spray ten feet in the air. Droplets of water glistened as they hung in mid-air, suspended far away from the ground they raced toward. A roar from the surf echoed again and again, growing more distant as the moment stretched on. A panicked, fear-filled face emerged from the spray with arms outstretched, frozen mid-scream.

My stomach turned, my muscles tensed. Nothing happened. A thousand thoughts and actions ran through my head all at once, yet I heard none of them. A second passed, and inch out of a mile, as the spray lowered itself gently into the coming waves. Slick rubber sides of a raft emerged atop the sharp rocks as the water receded, preparing for another surge.

"Help me!" the scream was shrill, spoken with unmoving and open lips from the frightened face. The current drug, pulled against the paddle I had shoved between rocks. It pulled my raft with an unstoppable force, dragging me through and away. As I neared, I knew I had the one chance. Just the one.

And eon passed, my stomach turned. The face followed me, eyes glistening with tears. My hand slid from it's death grip on the paddle, sliding through the silent air until it was beside my raft. I knew I would run right against the rocks, right against the other raft. I had pushed myself in, and now I would shoot right by.

The current pulled harder, the river dipping beneath me. I realized I wouldn't be turning back for my partner. With unblinking eyes I watched the nylon handles emerge from the spray covering the rubber raft's side. Patiently, as if there were any other choice in the long minutes between breaths, I waited for the moment.

A steady roar built, the momentum of the river building quickly. With a snap of some unseen magician's fingers, everything moved with the speed of a hurricane. I swung my hand down, fingertips raking the nylon handle... and slipping past. Another wave crashed into the rocks, throwing my raft away. With a terrified scream, the young boy in the raft cried out.

Water parted around my hand, the thin liquid of the rapids sliding past like gelatin. The scream, the roar, the crash all echoed in some far distant place, far from where all this was happening. All I could stare at was the second handle. The last handle. The only handle, at this moment. My arm trembled, pushing back against the force that held it. Moments lasted for hours, and everything happened in a slow-motion time delay. This time, I didn't lose focus. This time I was patient.

My fingers sunk around the handle, elbow half bent. I tucked my thumb beneath the nylon, against my fingers and held for all I was worth. With a roar the river pulled me with all it's might, and the waves crashed against my hand viciously. Screams flowed back to me last, and I opened my mouth to offer that it was okay. I just hadn't expected the pain.

My arm straightened as the river pulled me away, and then suddenly everything felt out of place. Fingers tingling, elbow aching, and shoulder going completely numb, I watched as my raft jerked to and fro against the current. The raft I held on to tightly moved half an inch against the rocks.

"Push with your paddle!" I cried out, the pain reaching into my eyes and forcing tears out of them. Fire shot through my veins, out from my chest and down my arm. My fingertips burned, touching some invisible oven. I could not let go. I would not. I refused.

"PUSH!" I yelled, closing my eyes. The entire world fell away, and all that remained was the fire coursing through my arm. I felt my fingers move, the pressure on them lessening for a moment. Again the fire resumed, and with a breathless whisper I begged, pleaded one more time. "Push."

Then the pressure was gone, the roar and the crash fading quickly from memory. My fingers ached, gripping tightly to the nylon handle for all they were worth. As if to heal them, a hand settled onto my forearm. A small hand, gentle hand. I opened my eyes, and we were free. Floating down the river once more, still connected by my arm stretched between the two rafts.
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. Dubbed "Usagi" by AsA .
Keeper of the Siderean Swords

"If by chance some day you're not feeling well, and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done, and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled."
Red Skelton
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1081
Location: Next to Waldo

PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three more days till the deadline, Outasync! Smile
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1390
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An interesting piece Tenshi, if a little confusing. You've got some good descriptions in there, but I wasn't entirely sure what the situation was until the very end. I thought initially that someone had fallen in, then I thought that maybe the current was taking them into the wrong part of the river. It wasn't till the last four paragraphs that I realised that the other person was stuck on the rocks.

Also, the current dragged, not drug in the third paragraph.
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1081
Location: Next to Waldo

PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Send your votes via PM with the subject line "WG Vote." Smile Thanks!
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Tenshi



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 2594
Location: Star Stuff

PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding, actually...

One thing I noticed, though perhaps this is just because I dislike my own work almost religiously, is that shorter pieces tend to captivate much more readily. Proper dramatic pacing and strong language is required to "hook" the reader, but if done correctly a shorter piece is more compelling.

Verbosity is not my friend today. ^_^;

(Will PM you my vote tonight from work, Maen)
_________________
. Dubbed "Usagi" by AsA .
Keeper of the Siderean Swords

"If by chance some day you're not feeling well, and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done, and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled."
Red Skelton
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1390
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Who won this in the end? I just remembered it today!
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1081
Location: Next to Waldo

PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 9:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was waiting so long for votes that I forgot about this, too! :O!

With the votes that I got, Alli won! Smile
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 3538
Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congrats, Alli!
_________________
Self-styled Forum Grandmother, because I hand out nicknames and hugs whether you want them or not. ^_^

Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
__________________
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended...
Give me your hands if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1390
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, wheeee! Thanks guys Very Happy
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Tenshi



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 2594
Location: Star Stuff

PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congrats, and well deserved. Smile
_________________
. Dubbed "Usagi" by AsA .
Keeper of the Siderean Swords

"If by chance some day you're not feeling well, and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done, and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled."
Red Skelton
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